


Without You

by GayPumpernickel



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Cutting, Depression, F/F, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Lesbian Character, Poetry, Romance, Sad, Self Harm, Suicide, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 12:37:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12935424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayPumpernickel/pseuds/GayPumpernickel
Summary: It all started when I looked into the mirror and saw you standing behind me.You tore me into a million pieces without a care in the world.My first girlfriendAnd hopefully my last





	1. The Mirror

I am drawn to this insidious mirror,  
That has wrapped its coils around me  
As if it were a venomous python.

But sometimes its grip will loosen  
And gingerly tease me,  
Showing me of a past beauty.  
A beauty that has long faded.

Deep cracks and crevices torment me,  
Showing me of a present weakness.  
Allowing others to see just how broken I am.

As the old saying goes,  
I wore my heart on my sleeve.  
What a grave mistake indeed.

My heart, savagely ripped away.  
My only lifeline  
Shattered,  
Smashed,   
And ripped apart.

What once was a powerful muscle that scorched with love,  
Contorted in smoldering pieces.  
Bits that somehow still loved her.

Like a venomous python,  
She wrapped her noxious coils around me.  
Squeezing me of my life and love.

If my heart was my lifeline,  
Then she was my salvation.

I lived through her eyes,  
Her heart,  
Her laugh,  
And her body.

But I wasn’t enough for her.   
It broke me.  
Crippled me.  
My body showed of a war I raged on myself.

If this damn mirror didn’t exist,  
Then my pain wouldn’t continue to bleed out.  
Its monstrous tendrils keep me from looking away.

I’m forced to face my mistakes,  
And relive my failures.

The eyes that stare back at me replay agonizing memories.  
And the mouth that reflects back whispers to me,  
Gently convincing me to seek a end.  
My end.


	2. Scars

Scars aren’t pretty,   
And scars aren’t cute.  
But why,   
When I fiddle with this knife  
Do I find it attractive?  
Am I drawn to the flashy silver slicing through my milky flesh?  
Or is it the crimson liquid that flows down my arm and drips onto the floor?  
Maybe its both?  
Perhaps it’s my escape.  
Escape from my cruel reality.

Scar old and new littered my skin with no restraint,  
And not all are self inflicted.

A punch here and a slap there  
Are the recurring gifts my father humbly present me with.

Blacks  
Blues  
Purples  
And yellows  
Clutter my body  
But are cautiously hidden so the naked eye won’t see.

But one day he took it too far.  
Yanked and twisted my wrists  
Then jabbed my face.  
Bruises visible for all to see.

Everyone knew  
But no one dared to point fingers.  
No one dared to prosecute him.  
He could destroy anyone in sight.  
They knew his drunken tendencies,  
But no one would come to my rescue.  
But one day someone new came to town.  
One more person to look down at me  
With pity and distaste.  
But a certain someone broke that mold.

She broke my walls.  
She watered me and cared for me with the utmost care,  
Until I bloomed.  
But bloomed I didn’t.

Life is like a rose.  
Delicate with a twist of pain.  
It needs love and kindness  
A gentle caress   
And a sweet whisper.  
Just enough water  
And then the rose can bloom into the epitome of beauty.  
A beauty that shines brighter than all others.

But over water and it will wilt and wither.  
And a certain someone showered me with too much.

Her gentle touches   
And sweet caresses  
Threw me overboard.  
She was my sole reason to live.  
And my only reason to smile.

I bloomed enough to get a glance at my rose  
A rose of black   
Black hatred  
And regret.  
And bloomed I didn’t  
But whither I did.

I thought I chance for an ounce of her sunny happiness.  
But all good things must come to an end eventually.  
Right?  
And an end it did.


	3. Family

In three words my life is  
Absolutely terrifyingly unrealistic 

On the surface they showed me love   
Caring maternal love   
And playful fraternal love 

But slowly their cracks and imperfections grew  
First it started with me 

The bruises started in spots not visible to the eye  
But the more my father drank the more careless he got  
Purples, blues, and aging yellow traveled down my arms and around my neck 

Friends and teachers were bound to notice   
Makeup can only cover-up the surface   
But the truth always finds a way to seep through 

Lies   
Lies  
Lies   
Swarmed around our family like wasps defending a hive 

My mother defended him   
And so did the rest of the family 

I was left in dark   
Labeled as an attention whore

I couldn't walk in public without the look of pity shining bright in every stranger's eye 

But it was because of this turmoil and pain that I met her 

She was my calm before the storm


	4. Her

I was at my lowest point   
I couldn't take the pain   
Wounds old and new   
Covered my body   
Most self inflicted 

But without this pain   
Without all this suffering   
I would have never met her 

“Venus” her name gracefully escaped my lips 

“Yes my love?” She always replied   
Always took care of my needs   
My needs before her own 

We were both broken in our own ways   
But we found a way to love each other anyway 

Her weakness slowly made her stronger   
But I continued to crumble   
My life refused to fix itself 

More times than not I have cried on her shoulder 

She was there for me   
She loved me  
Loved me like my parents never did 

Sadly she had to be my dirty secret   
A secret that should never get out   
God knows what my parents would do 

I wish I could keep a secret better   
Because eventually they knew


	5. Why

More and more,  
These bruises seemingly multiplied.

What once was an open-handed slap  
Morphed into a closed-fisted punch.

Threats were thrown at me from all sides.  
Friends and family alike mocked me,  
Tortured me.

Once again there was nothing left of me .  
Nothing left to grasp.  
And nothing left to love.

My safe zones,   
Morphed into a cemetery.  
Waiting for my last breath,  
Before it can claim me.

How could there be light at the end of the tunnel for someone like me?  
But, I was wrong.  
There is one light  
That illuminates my tunnel.

Venus,  
She gives me the love  
And the light that I need.  
She became the only happiness I had.

If only…  
If only I knew.  
Knew that I would be the cause.  
The cause of our downfall.


	6. Cliff

We drifted apart,  
And I couldn’t do anything

I clung to her.  
Tighter and tighter.

But that only drove her away.  
Further and further.

My dismal light at the end of the tunnel,  
Grew dimmer and dimmer.

Eventually,   
All light vanished.

I was alone.  
By myself.

It seemed that I was my own worst enemy.

I felt the earth between my toes.  
The soft breeze through my hair.  
The humidity clutched the air around me without mercy.

I looked down,  
And saw no end.  
A humorous laugh slowly seeped through my lips.

This is it.  
My last to chance to gain control.  
A control for my life that I never had.

This is my end.


	7. Is This It?

Half of me was ready.  
Ready to jump,  
Fall to my end.

But, the other half wasn’t.  
Wasn’t ready to end.

I still had a life to live.  
But what life did I have?

The only joy I ever had left me.  
Left me to crumble,  
Decaying into a meaningless existence.

I looked to my left for affirmation.  
And to the right for nullification.

I was positive I wanted this,  
But I was also hesitant.  
Hesitant for such a permanent end.

I closed my eyes,  
Took a deep breath,  
And began to fall.

But, before I could make my descent   
I stopped.

It was like a thread was tied around me  
Gradually shredding.  
Becoming thinner and thinner.  
Almost non-existent.  
But existing enough to keep me tied down.

Tied down in hopes for a happier life.  
Tied down to a tortuous existence. 

I once lived life with a hope for a happy end.

As I got older I quickly learned,  
You never get what you want.

Everything was always taken away from me.  
Leaving me barren.  
Nothing left but this hollow shell.

This is it.  
This is my end.  
The end I always craved.

One, two, and three steps I took.  
Took off the cliff.

 

The air brutally whipped me.  
Leaving me with a soft burning sensation.  
Clawing out what little air was in my lungs.

I could see it,  
The ground rushing towards me.  
As if it was hurrying to greet me and welcome me.  
Welcome me to my last attempt  
Last attempt to gain some happiness.

I waited for the plush comfort of the ground to greet me.  
But there was nothing.


End file.
